is this what my teenage years were always meant to be like? these people. their lives. they surround me, they engulf me, and i’m not afraid like i used to be. my ‘father’ used to constantly chide me; trust no one, he said, everyone but me is out to get you. don’t trust them.
i’m upset, but i don’t know who i’m more upset at, myself, or him. people keep telling me that in order to heal fully, i need to forgive him. how can i possibly forgive the unforgivable? forgive him for you, not for what he did to your sister. now that he’s been unmasked, how can i possibly forgive him? he was the monster of my sister’s teenage years; when she should’ve felt her best, he made her ashamed of herself. ashamed to be a girl.
he took away her teenage years, and he took away mine. fuck forgiveness. he doesn’t deserve it. i don’t have to do shit to move on with my life. i don’t dwell on it. he will have to live with the fact that he was the monster everyone warns their kids about. he will die knowing what he truly is, and that is satisfaction enough.
truth is, i burnt that bridge long ago. he’s your dad, everyone says. he loves you. then why didn’t he show an ounce of regret for everything he said to my face, all the neglect, the lengths he would go to in order to make me feel hopeless, powerless? you still need to have him in your life. this is the most common.
to sum it up; no i don’t. i don’t need anyone in my life that doesn’t deserve to be in it. that my father happens to be one of the many that don’t deserve a place in my life isn’t my fault. it’s his. he took, and he took, and he took and he almost got away with it, too. but my sister put her foot down; she gave me the courage to speak out about his verbal abuse, his gas lighting, his manipulation. he should be in fucking jail for what he did to her, but he’s not. i hope that’s the only mercy he’s ever afforded for the rest of his life.
i cannot forgive, and i cannot forget. but it doesn’t consume me. i am in control. i was always in control, and now i know that. that is enough.