versatile blogger award

wow, okay, so i’m not really known for my sociability on here. i’m really just known for my terrible cynicism and equally terrible ‘poetry’. despite this, however, i’ve been nominated for an award over on bloglittleboxes’ Nothing About Everything Blog! thank you so much, it’s nice to know that other people enjoy the stuff i post.

for the award, i’m required to:

  • show the award on your blog
  • thank the person that has nominated you
  • share 7 different facts about yourself
  • nominate blogs of your choice
  • link your nominees and let them know of your nomination

i’ve never thought of myself as a deeply interesting person, so this might be a bit of a snoozefest, but here are seven facts about me!

1. i’m mexican-american.

this is probably the only interesting thing about me, so if you stop reading after this first fact, i wouldn’t blame you.

i take a lot of pride in my culture. i didn’t when i was younger, as my father sort of… i dunno. discouraged knowing about ‘that side’ of my heritage. i couldn’t tell you why; it still doesn’t make sense to me. he was probably just a racist asshole(he considered himself white). i’m going to go with that.

once i got out of that living situation, however, i began spending more time with my mother’s side of the family; really, the only side of the family that i could be considered ‘familiar’ with.
i can only speak a little spanish, and what little i can speak, i speak terribly. i, admittedly, don’t know as much about my culture as i want to, and i’m still learning new things all the time! it’s exciting. thinking about it makes me excited to learn more things in the future. so i guess that’s pretty cool.

2. i collect vinyls. it is strangely emotional for me. as is everything.

if you’ve been following me for a while (or even if you’ve only been following me for a little bit), you’d know that i have many crises that i go through on a daily basis. i’ve only ever really touched on the obvious things that trouble people my age; college, unrequited love, and the like. one that plagues me daily is the purpose of life. other classics are the inevitability of death and what’s the point of doing anything if we’re all going to die in the end? that last one gets me every time.

last year was miserable. i won’t sugarcoat it; i wanted to die. or, as i said to my therapist ‘i simply want to cease existing.’ i wanted to gently erase myself from people’s memories, their thoughts, and the world. constantly. at one point, i came really close… but that’s a story for another post.

for christmas, my sister got me a beautiful record player that didn’t make the move back to my desert home with me (i miss it dearly), and three records. if you’re curious, these three albums that i got at christmas were the world won’t listen by the smiths, hung at heart by the growlers, and 25 by adele.
long story short, i became thoroughly obsessed. why hadn’t i gotten a record player sooner? i thought i was crazy for wanting to spend a fortune on these pieces of plastic, but they spun in such a way, it made the pain stop. i spent hours upon hours listening to these three records, i know them by heart.

i’ve always loved music, but i hadn’t really used it as an escape since probably middle school, at that point. i immersed myself in this world of vinyl. i didn’t go crazy with the money-spending, but it gave me something to live for. it might not make sense to most people, but because of my severe depression, i kind of… i feel like i could drop of the face of the earth at any moment and not really care all that much. i don’t necessarily want to die, but the thought isn’t at all unpleasant to me.
thing is, i’ve always needed something to live for- something tangible. something that i could make certain was there, or was going to happen. a collection is something like that, yeah? so when i started collecting vinyls, found in cardboard boxes at yard sales, or within the small record stores that were my only escape in colorado, it gave me something to live for. it might sound cheesy, but that really meant the world to me. my collection of records kind of saved my life, in a sense.

3. i know my way around disneyland better than i know my way around my hometown.

we got a bit heavy with that last fact. this was to lighten the mood. also it’s very, very true and sort of sad? i get lost in my hometown more than i would care to admit. you wouldn’t catch me looking at a map in disneyland, though; i know that place like the back of my hand. i love my hometown, don’t get me wrong, but disneyland. 

i can picture the entire park in my mind. i can walk through the park in my head.
it’s like my happy place, which is fitting- what better happy place is there than the ‘happiest place on earth’?

i can picture it so clearly because i’ve visited a bunch of times. i’ve been there at least ten times in my lifetime, which is more than a lot of people can say, and i’m really grateful for that. my mom was obsessed with disney, and we have cousins in los angeles so… it was convenient. no hotel room fees.

i’m going back there after i graduate in june of 2017- one last time before the world ends, amirite? no? okay we’re moving on.

4. i believe in multiple romantic soulmates… just not for me.

and no one was surprised.

it’s kind of… i dunno, common sense to believe in multiple soulmates, to me. you have different stages of life, different needs, different lessons that you need to learn at those separate stages of life. naturally, you have different people to help you achieve things throughout your life. soulmates don’t necessarily have to be romantic in their nature; they can come in the form of friends and family members, too.

we’re focusing on the romantic side here. of course there are going to be different soulmates in this aspect throughout a person’s life. i mean, duh.

just not for me.
i’ve said time and time again that this person that i write about is the only one for me. and maybe that’s just idle fancy. it seems like it would be. but i really… can’t move past him?

i’ve been trying for a bit, now, and it’s difficult. i won’t say impossible because anything’s possible. just. not that. not for me.
maybe i’m wrong and i do have multiple, and this soulmate’s lesson is moving on. in any case, i’ll dwell on this person until i get annoyed with it.

so like, don’t hold your breath.

5. i’m a vegetarian.

you see this? this is me running out of ideas.
this one is really self-explanatory. it is what it is, you know? i like animals. so i don’t eat them. it doesn’t make me any better or any worse than anyone else.

for the most part, it’s just a topic to bring up when i’m talking to new people. it proves to be a good one, or a bad one, depending on the person i’m speaking with. generally, though, people just say ‘wow, cool’ and we move on.

like we’re doing now.

6. i don’t understand flirting

this one made itself really apparent last night/early this morning.

i just… it’s not my forte. i really don’t get how to flirt with people. i was sending screenshots of a conversation with this really pretty girl to one of my best friends and asking for commentary on my responses.

apparently i’m okay at it, despite the fact that i don’t get how to do it? whenever i get told to ‘just flirt with them’ i freeze up because i don’t get the concept. i’m not good at cues when it comes to flirting because i automatically assume that nobody wants to flirt with me ever. people flirt with me and i just assume that they’re being nice. they call me “cute” or “adorable” in a flirtatious manner, with a decidedly flirtatious tone, and i figure that somethings got to be wrong with them.

… flirting will forever remain a mystery to me.

7. i have a cliché “things to do before i die list”

i feel really dumb when i talk about this? i feel like it’s super typical to actually have a list or whatever. it isn’t even really a long one. i’ve crossed a couple of things off in the past few years, but… whatevs.

i dunno. it’s not a really long one, so i don’t think it warrants another post. so i’ll just post it here? i guess?

things to do before i die

  1. fall in love  (freshman me… no. why would u want that)
  2. try experimental drugs (cut me some slack i was a freshman when i made this. it was a phase)
  3. see bring me the horizon in concert  (the emo is strong with this one)
  4. see morrissey in concert (this november!!! holy shit !!!)
  5. swim with wild orca whales (orcas are my babies. i love them to death and i could go on and on forever about them)
  6. get a cat (even though i’m allergic i luv the kitties)
  7. live in california (cali is my favorite place on earth)
  8. visit new zealand (it’s sooo pretty i want to be there noow)
  9. go surfing (if i ever get over my fear of the ocean)
  10. be happy (hopefully someday?)

see? it’s small. most likely because i don’t expect to live that long. i don’t have any diseases, and it’s not like i’m going to kill myself or anything of that nature, even though i’ve comer really close. it’s wishful thinking, at best, assuming that i’m going to die young, but i’m kind of counting on it. if i do end up getting old, it will be a nightmare.


 

so there it is. seven things about me. hopefully you’re still reading at this point. if not, you are absolutely blameless.

i have no one to nominate because i’m not very social on this site? so. if you’re reading this… you’re nominated. if you decide to make a post, link me to it! it’d be cool to read about you. all fourteen (?) of you.

thanks for reading. enjoy the rest of your day/night. take care of yourself.

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